What Writers Do in Their Spare Time…

St. George vs. the Dobby

I’d like to launch yet another new blog feature entitled Find a Life Before Friday. In these posts I will offer advice to the people in my life and in the world at large on how they can prioritize the important things in life. 

For my first post I am
sharing my response to a letter I received from the
management group in charge of my condo complex. The letter, a
“warning” actually, informed me that my screen for my slider had come
off the runner and needed to be fixed. It also complained about my cat, which I
was supposed to inform them of, sitting on the balcony railing. It ended with a
stern warning: The violation(s) must be corrected immediately or you will be
fined and the item(s) removed by our staff.

The bold and underlining
is theirs. The laughter that followed was mine. Hopefully, my reply explains why:

<oocumentProperties>
Normal
0
0
<oages>1</oages>
238
1359
11
<oaragraphs>2</oaragraphs>
1668
11.1539
</oocumentProperties>

0
<woNotShowRevisions/>
<woNotPrintRevisions/>
<wisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</wisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<wisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</wisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>

Dear B. St. George,

I received your letter concerning my cat being on my balcony
and the request that I let you know about said cat. I have had the cat since I
moved in over eight years ago (prior to your management company taking over).
The management staff who actually work here on a daily basis have
known about the cat since I moved in. There is even a note with my keys at the
main office reminding staff who may need to enter the condo to be aware of her.
If they did not share this information with you, I’m terribly sorry and am glad
to inform you now.

As for the cat being on the balcony, I don’t see, according
to the rules and regulations document, how this violates the pet ordinance. As
required, she is indeed an indoor cat and has never been allowed in the common
areas. I am sure the balcony is considered part of my property, since I pay both property taxes and condo fees on the ridiculously small
square footage. Further, as it is a
fifteen foot drop from the railing to to the sharp gravel below, I assure you
the cat has never escaped. Despite what people say, cats do not actually have
nine lives. Mine, however, does have a nasty disposition and an aversion to
strangers, so, for the safety of everyone’s exposed flesh, I would advice
against having the staff attempt to remove her. Your namesake may have slain a
dragon, but you’ll never conquer the beast that is my cat.

The screen door, on the other hand, does look a little ghetto. I will gladly fix or remove it
tonight.

Thanks so much,

Lauren Grimley

p.s. – You need to get a life. Please correct this violation
immediately before wasting another tree or brain cell on such piddling
correspondence.

**Sadly, I’m not the type of person to send this kind of email. Find a Life Before Friday was merely a writer’s means of venting and will therefore not likely appear as a regular blog feature…unless someone irritates me next Thursday, too. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed a little late week humor. As fun as this was, I think I’ll return to writing about my other favorite creatures with fangs.